Thursday, July 9, 2009

Here Goes....

I am sitting in a motorhome, "working" on a commercial set. Every 15 minutes or so a train rumbles by and we are about 13 inches away from the tracks, so the motorhome rocks. I work as a Production Assistant, the lowest on the totem pole job, but the one who takes the film (most important part) at the end of the night. Craziness. And I'm nauseous out of my mind. Constant nausea and trying to support myself working 14 hour days on a film set is not gonna work. It's becoming clearer and clearer. And did I mention...clearer?

How do I feel about my SHOCKING state?

Blessed, confused, crazy, shocked, broke, but mostly sick. I have been put on a "successful writer" deadline. But all these thoughts are derailed by my severe nausea.

I keep reminding myself and calling upon the strength of my ancestors, who were slaves (and yes they were) working from sun up to sun down, pregnant, without the proper nutrition or doctor supervision, but somehow got through nine months of it, and gave birth to more "stock" for their "owners". But realistically, I've been domesticated, I'm spoiled and sick....point blank.

The shocked part is that I'm pregnant at all. I thought maybe it wasn't possible as I'm in my 30's and have NEVER BEEN. I thought maybe when I was "ready", I'd have to go to a fertility clinic, stand on my head and yadda, yadda...wrong. I'm not mad, just unprepared and shocked. But I can't say I would've ever sat down and said, okay I'm ready. Though I've had baby names since I was fifteen years old.

My constant state is...a burp away from erupting. I erupted once, pulled over on the side of the road and let loose. And decided then and there, I would will the actually eruption away. The sickness does not subside, but I will NOT vomit. Yes I had to use that word, because that's what happens and it's gross and miserable.

A question I keep asking myself..What will I do for a living? I'm a writer who has yet to get paid and have been put on a nine month , well seven month deadline, but with this sickness and my blue collar choice of work, I've been put on a one week, two week or maybe even three day, deadline. Because.....

I feel sick, too sick to go on right now.

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