To know or not to know....

I'm still miserable. It's sad really. I'm learning to live with it. Crying helps. So I've taken to sobbing to help ease the body aches and weakening nausea.

I've been asked if I'll find out the sex of our child. YES!! As soon as possible. Here are the reasons:

The father is really hoping for a boy, so I'd like him to know as soon as possible, so he can adjust early. :-)

The mother (that's me)

1. Would prefer not to receive a bunch of yellow baby shower gifts(assuming I get any gifts at all). I'm no fan of yellow, or pink really for that matter, unless it's matched with brown.

2. Rather not stress over finding boy and girl names unnecessarily.

3. We can paint the room a gender specific color.

My first and foremost wish...a healthy, happy baby, next, I'm hoping for a boy myself, I'll admit it. :-)

So..as soon as I know....I will share.

11 weeks today...

I'm officially 11 weeks pregnant. Two more weeks, supposedly until I start to level out. I'm still quite miserable.
I had a heart-wrenching nervous breakdown over the weekend. Scared myself, scared the child, scared my man, scared my friend and scared the guy who answers the phone on the weekend at my Doctor's office.

There was bleeding. I thought I was miscarrying. And I officially lost my mind. Apparently it happens and if there is no cramping or pain and it doesn't last long then yadda, yadda, yadda, is what the Doctor said. I'm still a bit shook and don't really want to discuss any further, except that I don't know if I'll make it until August 19th, before I get to hear the baby's heartbeat again, and be certain.....okay....ending this part...now.

I'm waiting for a chinese food delivery. For the first time in a month, I'm gonna eat some broccoli. Of course it's going to be covered in brown sauce and served with fried tofu, but hey, it's still a green vegetable. I also ordered spare ribs.

Strange craving...Tofu and Pork Spareribs. This kid is conflicted. :-)


Last night at 9:30pm I rolled to Whole Foods (nausea in tact) to fulfill my craving of Olives and cream cheese on a cracker.

Tired of eating, but junior will not be denied.

Food just arrived.

Eating...

at 3am in the morning. I woke up (after falling asleep at 9pm) and made an egg and cheese sandwich. Sinfully yummy and fulfilling and now I'm going back to bed.

Let me be more specific....One egg over easy, with a slice of cheddar cheese melted on top, between two pieces of toasted, buttered (and a dap of apricot jam) wheat sourdough bread.

I am woman....

hear me cry.

I AM PREGNANT. For real. Up until today it was just me being sick, a positive pregnancy test and no period to speak of. But it's been confirmed, I am with child. I heard the heartbeat. My mouth dropped open. The technician laughed and congratulated me. Then I had a moment of tears for my Great-Grandma, then I had a few tears of joy and then junior reminded me he loves to eat.

I was in the doctor's office for two and a half hours. I couldn't get out of there fast enough to go get a gyro.




Todays diet

Breakfast

Oatmeal with an apple chopped up
A Broccoli and cheddar quiche


Lunch

A delicious meat filled Gyro


Dinner (after 100 hours of sleep due to all the blood they took from me at the Doctor's office)
A bowl of Avgolemeno soup and an apple, sprinkled with cinnamon.

Now back to bed.

First Pre-natal visit tomorrow

I really can't wait. I just want to go to sleep until it's time. I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better. My stomach, the nausea the inability to get rid of "waste", the body aches and my breasts are as fragile as two cheap overfilled water balloons. They hurt if I look at them too long. And I consider myself one tough cookie, but this kid is breaking me down. And again, I won't take pain killers or any magic sleeping pill, so suffer I must.

I managed to go to breakfast with a friend and then go right back home and lay on the floor.

Todays diet:

A few pieces of pineapple before I left the house

At Breakfast:

Decaf Coffee
Glass of grapefruit juice
A heavenly Ham & cheese croissant and two eggs over easy.

Lunch/Dinner

CAESAR SALAD - FIrst time in a few weeks I could even look at lettuce, but only romaine and only drenched in caesar dressing.
Beef Chili with cheddar cheese - yummy.
And a glass of majorly watered down gingerade.

Now I'm going to try to go to bed.

Late night snack
Grilled cheese sandwich and applesauce.

Side..beautiful..Note

yesterday, as I lay on my floor, moaning and sobbing to relieve the misery my doorbell rings.
My hombre stopped by after work with a book for me..."The Girlfriend's guide to pregnancy". He is one thoughtful fella.


I started reading the book today and it is hilarious. I mean I'm laughing out loud, shocked and horrified and happy to know I'm not just going psycho.

Breakfast with the Dolphins

On sunday my hombre took me for a motorcycle ride by the ocean and through Malibu. It was lovely and inspirational, because as soon as I have one show on the air....house in Malibu is the first stop. I'm serious yall. Prompted by my hombre, I fought my misery and wish to stay in the bed rolled in the fetal position and left the house and was glad I did.

We finished the ride with Brunch at a seaside restaurant. Originally he felt going out for breakfast was a waste (as he makes a mean omelette) but the good man that he is, my happiness changed his views. It was an all you can eat Buffet and I certainly got his money's worth. I feasted on scrambled eggs, piles of bacon, carved roast beef, french toast with a coconut amaretto whipped cream (outrageously good), and much more than I care to admit, while watching the dolphins make their way across the pacific. It truly was a good Sunday Morning. I LOVE BREAKFAST. It's my favorite meal of the day and apparently so does Junior because after stuffing myself, I hopped right back on the bike, no sickness to speak of and made it home.

I hope to go again.

Moannnnn Groannnnnn

I spent the day with my beloved. Poor him. I told him I prefer to stay alone and waddle in my misery, but he won't hear of it. So we managed to go out early in the a.m. for some exercise. I'll admit it, I went rollerblading. It had been so long and I missed my rides on the beach. He jogged and I rolled (I still couldn't keep up). I didn't fall. Junior should be fine. I got sick for the return portion, but had no choice but to roll on. So I rolled on through the nausea. After the several mile, roll and jog, he took a swim and I took a walk to find food. I found a heavenly ham & cheese croissant and then we laid on the beach a few hours. It was difficult and wonderful all in one.


Later, I lost the battle of the erupting volcano and blew. Junior is apparently tired of watermelon. Okay, okay, Yunior, no more of the red stuff. So now I'm on baby food. I used to eat baby food years ago. The desserts are so yummy. So I figured I'd give it a try again. Earth's Best brand baby food. Organic yumminess. The plum, banana, brown rice mix is the one that's working for me right now. I'm gonna pick up some butternut squash tomorrow. This is strange, but I have to do what works. Pizza works as well. My beloved steamed some veggies for me and once I caught a whiff, junior violently rejected the thought of them. Boo hoo..I need veggies.

My first doctor's appointment is four days away. She is gonna get an earful. I might even cry in her arms. I need help. I value my health above all and always have and though it's not like I have some kind of "real" sickness. I really am miserable most of the time. I need to sleep more. I was up four times last night with body aches, in between painfully vivid dreams. So vivid I caught myself muttering out loud (and so did my man). Poor guy. I was dreaming of my Great-Grandma, who I've been thinking about and missing a lot lately. I was blessed to have her in my life until she was ninety-two years old, but really , it wasn't long enough. I'm just being selfish as I'm happy she's not here suffering, but still, she was my best friend and I can't help but to think of her more now that I'm with child. She will never hold her great-great grand and I'm sad about it. The dream was so real. I was in her house fussing at my little cousin, Jonathan as we did so many time when I was young and she was sitting there smiling at us. It was tough to wake up and realize my mind was on a trip. These are things I must go through and with these raging hormones it's a bit tougher, but I'm happy to get it out. I'm certain, somehow it's therapeutic.

Rant... ends... now....

Neglect...

Haven't washed my clothes. Haven't washed my hair. Slept most of the day..in between feedings. I hope I don't start to resemble the animal I'm feeling like...A hippo. One who is kept in a zoo. Splashes around in water and lays in the mud, until it's time to eat.

Still nauseous out of my gourd, but....I have found some help. My aunt suggested ice pops, so I went to Whole Foods and bought some little pineapple-coconut squishy fruit ice thingys called, Smooze! Yummy and soothing to my tummy. I just have to pace myself because there are 12 grams of sugar in each little 65ml package, but so good and truly eases the disgusting aftertaste I get after EVERYTHING i eat.

I'd like to stop complaining, but I'm pregnant and shocked (and apparently my body is too), what's a gal to do. I know it's all worth it when I have a little bambino smiling up at me, but I'm almost hoping for twins so I can be done in one shot. :-)

Body aches and pains

I was able to eat some avocado today. Green stuff.
I also indulged in having breakfast..twice.

at 8am - oatmeal w/blueberries and a few pieces of ham
at 9am - At the car dealer, they gave me a coupon for complimentary breakfast. How could I resist. Scrambled eggs and bacon. :-)

I will walk. I will walk. I will not become a house in the name of motherhood. (I hope.)

Body aches have kicked in. I feel like I'm coming down with a flu, but I'm not. I keep stretching, twirling my toes (which makes them hurt worse) and pacing around my home like a zombie. I also discovered...PRUNE JUICE works. I won't go on any further about what it "works", but it works. Thank GOD!!

My poor man, I must be a joy, though we currently do not live together so I try to just go home so that I can act like a zombie without spreading my misery.

Unfortunately, I must deal with the body aches because I don't take aspirin. I think the last time I took a tylenol was 1996, so I'm not gonna start now. I will take a shower and curl up in the fetal position and try to go to sleep. I feel no pain, no nausea when I'm asleep. And sleep has felt great lately. I used to be an insomniac, gratefully, junior is seeing to it that "we" rest enough.

I wonder if this drama will level out as my body gets used to its "roommate". :-)

Today's diet...

morning:



A bowl of Irish Oatmeal w/blueberries & Ham warmed in a cast iron pan with molasses.


Afternoon:

Gyro Salad (no onions) & Avgolemono soup (so yummy)


Night:

Two Hot dogs with baked beans and & a bowl of steamed cauliflower, sprinkled with salt and olive oil.


I'm currently having an aversion to green vegetables (unfortunately) garlic, and onions. Things I usually love with a passion.

Beverages of the day...water, prune juice and grapefruit soda.

My love affair with grapefruit continues, I shall buy a bunch at the farmers market tomorrow.

And the overall draining feeling of nausea continues....

Emotions and good food

Yesterday my emotions were swirling (tears even) for the pursuit of my cravings and the lack of understanding of these cravings on the part of my beloved. One thing I learned is that I must always have my own. I'm too proud and sensitive and will pick strawberries with my child on my back if it means I can spend money on the things I need.

Here's my justification....Some people spend money on jewelry, clothes, purses, shoes. I don't. My overspending is for the love of organic food. Nitrite free bacon, vegetarian fed meats, non genetically modified fruits and veggies. Organic food is expensive, yes, but I'd rather put the good stuff in me, than on me. So if I have to wear hand me down jeans in order to afford my "habit", so be it. I can't have it questioned and if I come to a time in my life where I have to rely on someone else financially, it will be questioned. So my quest for this week is to "woman" up and figure out the next step in my life. No tears, okay, some tears, but not many.

Work Shmork

Trying to blog while you're nauseous out of your gourd is tough.

I made it through the work week. It's probably the last shoot I can handle, but I seriously don't know what to do for a living now, as I wait for my writing "success". I'm strangely calm about the threat of being jobless, homeless, etc... but I have faith things will work out as they should and they will probably be for the best. I just have a hard time with possibly giving up my independence. But grateful for the love I have in my life. Uh oh, I'm becoming an emotional person. Tough exterior is melting..... Must.....go.....feed.

Again....toughest money I've ever earned was July 7th - 11th. Sick, exhausted, fifteen hour physical work days.



I carried four hundred dollars worth of mexican food, up three flights of stairs....five trips, sweating and damn near crying. Some took pity on me and I received help for the last leg of the trip. My ancestors had it much worse, so....I'll suck it up.

And the help didn't come from the people I work WITH it came from the people who Hire the people I work with and I had been driving around. They took pity on me. It's strange how this "industry" robs people of their humanity. Especially the ones who reside in los angeles. The people who helped me were from other states.

10:30pm

I just ate beans and rice with chicken, plantanos and collard greens and a few pieces of coconut....this made the nausea (temporarily) release its hold on me.


Fresh From The Grill
All entries are marinated with brazilian spices, grilled and served
With white rice, black beans, salsa, fried plantains and salad or soup.
Picante or Mild.

• Skinless Boneless Chicken Breast

Here Goes....

I am sitting in a motorhome, "working" on a commercial set. Every 15 minutes or so a train rumbles by and we are about 13 inches away from the tracks, so the motorhome rocks. I work as a Production Assistant, the lowest on the totem pole job, but the one who takes the film (most important part) at the end of the night. Craziness. And I'm nauseous out of my mind. Constant nausea and trying to support myself working 14 hour days on a film set is not gonna work. It's becoming clearer and clearer. And did I mention...clearer?

How do I feel about my SHOCKING state?

Blessed, confused, crazy, shocked, broke, but mostly sick. I have been put on a "successful writer" deadline. But all these thoughts are derailed by my severe nausea.

I keep reminding myself and calling upon the strength of my ancestors, who were slaves (and yes they were) working from sun up to sun down, pregnant, without the proper nutrition or doctor supervision, but somehow got through nine months of it, and gave birth to more "stock" for their "owners". But realistically, I've been domesticated, I'm spoiled and sick....point blank.

The shocked part is that I'm pregnant at all. I thought maybe it wasn't possible as I'm in my 30's and have NEVER BEEN. I thought maybe when I was "ready", I'd have to go to a fertility clinic, stand on my head and yadda, yadda...wrong. I'm not mad, just unprepared and shocked. But I can't say I would've ever sat down and said, okay I'm ready. Though I've had baby names since I was fifteen years old.

My constant state is...a burp away from erupting. I erupted once, pulled over on the side of the road and let loose. And decided then and there, I would will the actually eruption away. The sickness does not subside, but I will NOT vomit. Yes I had to use that word, because that's what happens and it's gross and miserable.

A question I keep asking myself..What will I do for a living? I'm a writer who has yet to get paid and have been put on a nine month , well seven month deadline, but with this sickness and my blue collar choice of work, I've been put on a one week, two week or maybe even three day, deadline. Because.....


I feel sick, too sick to go on right now.